she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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