I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
