This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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