I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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