Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
