i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
