On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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