Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
How's work?
Spinning.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
