she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
