Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
