my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
