remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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