Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
