I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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