i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I will pee on everything he values.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize