im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Who wears a wallet chain?!
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize