i'm signing you up for texting rehab
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
