His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize