I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
sarcasm needs its own font
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
