Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
