My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
