Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
