I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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