based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
