8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
