There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
