I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
