you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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