I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
