so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
do nipples grow back?
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