Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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