Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You're a waste of cheezeits
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
