Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
