I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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