first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
