I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
