planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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