Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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