i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
