why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
