There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
