im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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