headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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