OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My ATM looks so different sober.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
