I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
