and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
