god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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