Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
