the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
