And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
