If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize