When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
