Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
