I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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