I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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