I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
