Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
