i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
