I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
