No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
